The Durka

STONER THREAD

2011-03-25T21:45:00.001-07:00

THAT'S RIGHT, STONER COMICS

MORE AFTER THE JUMP

EMAIL ME NEW ONES AND THIS WILL GET UPDATED

Minecraft offers a ssssurprising experience

2011-03-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

You wake up alone, on an island.

You have nothing. No weapons, no tools, no food, and no idea what’s happening. All you know is that if you’re outside when the sun goes down ten minutes from now, you’re going to die.The music starts, a somber chord in the distance. You turn away from the ocean, stretching out in front of you as far as the eye can see, and get your first look at the stunningly expansive world of Minecraft.

It’s a game that broke the mold. Unlike the big earners of recent years – God of War, Final Fantasy, and Call of Duty: Black Ops come to mind – Minecraft didn’t come out of a huge studio backed by millions of dollars. Instead, it was almost entirely designed by a single Swedish programmer, Markus Persson, and was released after only about a week of development, relying on a nearly continuous series of updates to keep the game enticing.

Cost, however, does not translate into quality. Lacking the sterile and utterly incomprehensible programming of most video games on the market today, Minecraft retains a very human feel.

The game itself is simple. A sandbox style game, you start with nothing, collecting blocks and using them to make tools and build houses. As night falls, zombies, spiders, and explosive demons called “creepers” show up, offering little more than a signature hiss before detonating and destroying all your work.

But hidden in the simplistic gameplay is an addicting beauty that many recent blockbuster games have lacked. The more you play, the more you learn about fighting off the enemies and crafting new items. Your once-simple house, which at first served only as a means of protecting your hard earned tools and blocks, quickly grows into a work of art. Your simple pit mines evolve into complex labyrinths of tunnels and caves, weaving through the world and delving deeper and deeper.

The first thing you’re likely to notice are the graphics. Minecraft does not offer state-of-the-art, high quality visuals. Instead, the environment is composed of large blocks with 16 by 16 pixels of detail – just enough to tell the different types of blocks apart.

The reason for this is simple: “8-bit” style graphics are easier to make than HD, and most people don’t seem to care. The textures in Minecraft are so simple you can edit them yourself, without any special software. A lot of people have taken advantage of this and have made their results graphics packs publicly available, so it’s very easy to fine tune the game to your own liking.

For those willing to delve further into the game, an alluring world of simple algorithms and straightforward coding emerges. With some math and drawing, you can start to predict where things will show up, the best layouts for mines, and all manner of devices that take advantage of the simple interactions between different types of blocks.

In fact, by using a few blocks, it’s possible to make a basic computer inside the game. Searching YouTube for “minecraft computer” will yield video after video of full fledged computers capable of doing basic math, made inside a video game. In this respect, Minecraft can be an invaluable educational tool – giving you the power to practice architecture, engineering, and even computer science, all from the comfort of your own home.

But just because Minecraft is open-ended doesn’t mean it’s easy.

“It’s very addictive,” said sophomore Drew Wilson, who started playing the game last August. “If you don’t enjoy it at first, you’ll get addicted when you get frustrated.”

Drew knows a bit about Minecraft. Since he got into the game, he’s become a moderator on a server – a place where people can come and play the game together – with hundreds of players from all over the world.
The social aspect is a big draw for Minecraft. Drew estimates at least 30 other Drake students are regular players, with more joining in all the time. Grey Stockton, another sophomore who started playing in September, agrees. He runs a server that used to cater to only students here, but now has players from all over the world.

“It brings a lot of creativity into a simple and social environment,” he said while showing me some of the larger buildings players had constructed on his server. “It develops teamwork.”

That teamwork spans both social and political borders. “USA, Canada, Denmark, Nederlands, South Korea, Sweden, UK, Australia…” Gray said, reading off a list of users on his server. “We used to have a guy from Vietnam.”

Minecraft offers something unique – a type of simple, multi- or single-player game that the world hasn’t really seen before. It’s changing the entire industry while staying cheap and small. If there ever were a game to which you’d want to get addicted, Minecraft fits the bill.

4chan....

2011-03-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

>go on 4chan
>>see most rediculous porn ever
>>>5 minutes in photoshop
>>>>pretty much sums up 4chan

Rango!

2011-03-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Every movie works hard to find its own niche. Animated films, because of their young target audience, must define themselves with a high level of creativity to have any hope of critical success.

So when a movie comes out that includes a scene in which a massive family of moles flying on bats chase a chicken drawn carriage through a canyon while hurling dynamite at the ground and cart-wheeling out of control in huge bursts of fire, it has a pretty good chance of doing well.

Simply watching the trailers before the film was a reminder of how bad kids’ movies are today. Coming soon are the atrocities Rio, which appears to be yet another “let’s make awkward sexual jokes” flick from the makers of Ice Age; Puss in Boots, which I believe is some sort of porno-offspring of Shrek; and Kung Fu Panda 2, a sequel to Dreamwork’s 2008 blockbluster in which Jack Black must fight through a terrible plot using nothing but bad, obesity related jokes.

Rango soars high above any theatrical animation in recent memory, fusing the intense, zany energy you would expect from Johnny Depp with an engaging and coherent plot that puts its competitors to shame.

The stage is set as our protagonist yearns for the stage: a lonely chameleon in his glass box in the trunk of a car, accompanied by a dismembered Barbie, a dead beetle, and a wind up fish toy, desperately attempts to perform his play.

But when the car he’s in hits an armadillo, the lizards’ simple world explodes around him, and he is left stunned on the side of the road in a land so desperately arid that water boils in seconds.

He has been forgotten in the Mojave Desert, and must use his wits – or lack thereof – to survive. He soon encounters a lady lizard, Ms. Bean, and is then brought into the town of Dirt. After abandoning his old life, he weaves a tall tale at a bar that turns the hopelessly parched residents of the dry town into disciples. He also makes up his new name – Rango.

From there, the movie delves into a world of imagery and double entendres that make the film potentially more enjoyable to adults than to young children. The most surprising part of the film for me was not anything that occurred on screen, but the moment as I walked out of the theater and realized I had been watching a PG rated film which included the line “One time I found a whole human spinal column in my fecal matter.”

Although it's probably apparent at the moment, I'll make it abundantly clear: this is not a film for people who want to go to the movies, watch a happy story, and walk out feeling a warm and fuzzy inside-out-kitten feeling.

It is an acid trip committed to film stock, an intricate and delusional journey through the old west which achieves a form of Salvador Dali-like abstraction rarely seen in children’s movies. It combines all this with a gritty, Clint Eastwood vibe that leaves you squinting and talking in a low gravely voice long after the credits role.

Rango is to film as fudge is to flavor – a simple list of ingredients remixed so many ways that it becomes more than the sum of its parts, a unique and delectable adventure with twists and turns that would surprise even the most seasoned of reviewers.

Nebraska!

2010-04-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

When I first drove across the United States, from our bayside paradise to the industrial smokestacks and high-rises of Chicago, I spent a long time travelling through Nebraska. It’s something of a culture shock when you get there, because while Marin is a lush forested wonderland, Nebraska is a barren hellscape of corn and rusting cars.

The first thing I felt as I entered Nebraska was unease. I am not use to being able to see in every direction without mountains to block the horizon. I can only assume the mountains were removed so Nebraskans could see storms and roving packs of death-badgers[1] far enough in advance to protect their corn (which I’ve surmised is the only thing of value in the entire state.) In addition, removing the mountains would have provided dreary Nebraskan citizens with jobs and some much needed fun, because god knows there’s nothing else even remotely entertaining there.

Later, as we over a bridge crossing the Platte river[2] (“Lowering your expectations of what a river can be since 1784”), we noticed a turnoff for CARHENGE, a recreation of Stonehenge made entirely out of rusted cars cemented together and stood uprights in the middle of a field. Although artistic, it crossed my mind as somewhat cultish, as only a vengeful god would make people live in Nebraska. I have come to the conclusion that the state of Nebraska actually imports rusting cars from other states and leaves the in fields as offerings of peace to their violent, cruel deity.

After spending several hours entranced by the structure, I was reminded of my true situation by the sound of our car alarm going off in the distance. As we had no wish to get stuck in the middle of Nebraska, we quickly ran back to investigate. To our relief, no one had tried to break into the car – the alarm had simply been triggered when the windows had exploded in the afternoon Nebraskan heat. After the initial moment of anxiety, we quickly laughed the incident off. Honestly, I hadn’t really thought it had been someone breaking into the car – after 7 hours in the state I had yet to see another living being, and was beginning to suspect we had somehow made a wrong turn off I-80 and entered the 6th circle of hell.

After cleaning the molten glass out of the front seats, we set off back to what one could hypothetically call “civilization.” Corn fields stretched off endlessly in every direction. Hours passed, but the corn did not end. Dusk turned to night, and night turned to a hellish red glow as the sun rose to the east. Finally, after our fifth year of driving[3], the corn abruptly ended and we got back on the highway.

We kept driving for a few more hours, before stopping to spend the night in Iowa City, Iowa. The rest of our trip passed uneventfully, but more than once I was awakened from our sleep by a chilling dream of eternal corn fields, of crossing the Platte again and again. Sometimes I couldn’t fall back to sleep after these episodes, and would spend hours sitting at the window of our hotel, waiting for the sun to rise and reveal a landscape free of corn.

Never have I been as happy to return home as after that trip. Marin’s hills and trees are a stunning reminder of how amazing the world is. Just think: We live on the same planet as Nebraska.

[1] Have you ever wondered why corn prices have gone up? Death badgers. Trust me.
[2] We crossed the Platte River around 473 times as we drove across Nebraska.
[3] This is an exaggeration. It was actually only about 2 years.

BREAKING NEWS

2009-12-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

DISASTER STRIKES AFTER LOCAL MAN BECOMES DECISIVE

Scientists predict everyone will die

The world was plunged into chaos Tuesday after a Fairfax man became decisive and used up the entire global supply of choice, scientists as NASA announced today.

In a speech to the American people this morning, the president detailed the severity of the choice shortage.

"Never have we faced a more dire threat to our way of life," he said to a packed crowd of reporters on the white house lawn. "At least, I don't think we have. I'm not completely certain though."

When asked what the governments plan was, the president stared blankly into the distance for a while, then shrugged and wandered back inside.

The government does keep a small emergency reserve of choice in bunkers across the nation, but officials are reluctant to use them.

"Yea, the reserves would probably help," said Mark Fenty, the lead administrator for the Federal Underground Choice Reserve System, or F.U.C.R.S. "But what if this is only the beginning, and we need the choice later?"

The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement just minutes after the presidents speech, saying they were "pretty sure" that the choice shortage had not been an intentional terrorist attack, but that the theory "hadn't been entirely ruled out."

"It's highly unlikely," said Brent Schecter, the head of the governments Anti-Terrorist Response Squad. "But it's not completely out of the question."

The focus of the investigation, Brian Greely of Fairfax, admitted to using the choice but said he wasn't aware of the consequences.

"My girlfriend said she wanted my to be more of a decision maker in our relationship, so I decided to make more choices," he said to FBI agents who raided his home. "I had no idea that picking between crunchy and smooth peanut butter would cause so much damage."

Federal scientists said they thought society could last around 3 days without decisiveness. There is a federal hotline, but the scientists said they weren't completely sure what the number was.

The 4 laws of government

2009-09-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

1. A government must strive to protect its natural resources and wonders through preservation, smart tactics, and strict regulations.

2. A government must strive to maintain a stable population which can live safely and comfortably WITHOUT violating the 1st law. If the first law must be violated, the population has become unstable.

3. A government must strive to offer freedom, liberty, and justice in all situations, UNLESS doing so would require the violation of the 1st or 2nd laws. Freedom should never endanger the public or the nations future.

4. A government must strive to be Economically and Politically independent, and self sufficient, UNLESS doing so would require violating the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd laws. Sustainability, Stability, and Liberty are more important then money, and alliances may become necessary to protect the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd laws. No alliance should violate the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd laws.

Me a the Lynn Woolsey Town Hall!

2009-09-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

Here's the video. Skip to the 8 minute mark to see me. Notice the cheers? I'm so proud of myself!

Velociroflcopter©: You saw it here FIRST

2009-06-30T13:09:00.001-07:00

The Velociroflcopter©. Only from Thedurka.

Velociroflcopter© 2009 by Alex Allen-Hyma. All rights reserved. Any Variations or Derivatives created without the express written permission of the author are strictly forbidden by US copyright law.

Vlad Day!

2009-06-16T18:52:00.001-07:00

Digiterms

2009-06-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know about our new thing, Digiterms. Some associates and I are going to do reviews about new products and breakdowns of how the modern world works. I hope you'll find it usefull.

Google Analytics sees the world...differently?

2009-06-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this picture. Notice anything missing?

Yea, it appears Google has forgotten several important things, like the U.S. and most of Africa. Huh.
And for all those who are yelling "Photoshop", here's the full image.

Pixars Up

2009-06-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

Wow. Pixar has never messed up before, and they sure didn't this time. As a man, it is rare that I publicly admit to crying, but if the first 15 minutes don't make you, there is something seriously wrong with you mind. I went and saw it with 3 friends, and all but one of us cried at the beginning and the end. The middle? Amazing. It was like an animated Planet Earth combined with some of the most exciting, moving, and hilarious moments in film. The most important thing about Up, however, is that is not mainly a kid movie. It is also a complex adult drama that will leave you thinking about some of the most important questions in life. The 3D was also amazing, mostly because there were no pointless gimmicks. It just added to the film, making it easier to care for all the people. I cannot recommend this film highly enough.

What has animation come to?

2009-06-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

I just saw Pixars Up, which may be their best film yet. The plot was complex, the characters enjoyable, and the humor sophisticated. But there was a problem.
Before the film, their was a trailer for an animated movie, called "G-Force". It was horrible. It's about animals in the CIA, so you would think they would have a lot of options, but given the plot they went with, it would appear not. The trailer was a 3 minute long series of fart jokes and sexist/racist. undertones. I would have preferred to have cancer for 3 minutes rather then watch that trailer again. Thinking back, most animated films recently have been like that. Which raises the question: when did animated films fall to the level of action figures, quality wise?
Sure, there will always be Pixar, who have never turned out a bad film, but everywhere else the films are almost always pointless. The fact that there are rarely Pixar action figures and other merchandise released with the film may be worth mentioning.
Animated films in the last few years have slowly fallen in quality from entertaining films to one-off, cheap items that studios push out all the time to appeal to kids. Why did this happen? What can we do to stop it? I don't know. Regardless of how many people actually see the films, there always seem to be more of them. I think the most worrisome thing is how bad ths will be for the next generation. If their directors are brought up thinking fart jokes and sexism are hilarious, what hope do they have? I'm not calling for an end to free speech, but I think that it's about time studios started putting as much effort into animated films as they did into live action ones.

JJ Abrams was right after all...

2009-06-05T07:18:00.001-07:00

This is footage from a Japanese moon mapping satellite. Notice all the lens flare? Confirming what we all knew already: Star Trek was right!

The image is taken from a you tube video which I found embedded over at Gizmodo, although they seem to care more about the footage then the lens flares.

Terminator Salvation

2009-05-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

The phrase "Holocaust upon your eyes" neatly sums up Salvation. The acting is horrific (except for Sam Worthington and the little black kid with no lines), the plot is dumb, and the number of impossibilities make "suspension of disbelief" well, imposable. It's a sad world where Hollywood can produce a film worse then T3 and call it the action movie of the summer.

WARNING: SPOILERS!
ALSO: It's a sled, Bruce Willis is a ghost's, the village is actually in a forest in the seventies, Darth Vader is Luke's father, soilent green is people, Snape kills Dumbledore, that season of Dallas was a dream, Mrs. Coulter is Lyra's mother, V dies, Teabing is the teacher, Rand is the Dragon Reborn, Charlie drowns, GLADOS is evil, Anikan kills little kids for fun, Ozymandias killed the Comedian and sent a giant monster to destroy New York City, Locke is actually dead, Fake Locke kills Jacob, Juliet sets of the bomb, Neo dies, You keep what you kill, and Sam's dad makes it to New York and lots of helicopters come and they're all fine. THERE.

Here are some impossible things in TS:

1. Why would Skynet nuke itself?
2. Why can't the terminators with miniguns just fire at people? Why do they have to start way off target and then slowly strafe toward the enemy?
3. You can't actually jump out of a helicopter 1000 feet above the ocean and end up unhurt in a submarine that never surfaced.
3.5. Also, waves aren't 30 stories high out in the far ocean, where the sub is. Waves are caused by the coast (to be brief).
4. Why would Skynet have a list of people to kill in 4 days? would that always just be everyone?
5. Why did Marcus not notice that he never has to eat? Isn't that kinda a warning that you're a robot?
6. How can you throw a tire iron 90 feet through the air and have it hit a foot wide opening on the bottom of a flying robot... that's pointed away from the thrower?
7. How do you grow lots of fresh produce in the middle of a desert?
8. So, 2 terminator motorcycles are chasing them. the kill 2 motorcycles. Suddenly, a third one jumps out of nowhere. How?
9. This is more a problem with dialog. So, Blaire and Marcus fin a place to stay for the night, and Blaire immeadiatly starts undressing and rubbing her breasts. Marcus, oviusly wondering what the heck is going on, asks her if she's ok. She responds, "I'm fine."
9.5. So these people try to rape Blaire (and she puts up a horrible fight). Then, Marcus saves the day with a 2 by 4. He's a bout to kill a guy with a screwdriver, but Blaire steps in and just shoots him in the very, very, upper thigh. Blaire and Marcus share a look, him thanking her for keeping him from killing the poor man...except there aren't any hospitals and you just refused him medicine, so he's going die anyway. Only this way, it will be slow and aganizing trough blood loss and infection, instead of a quick blow through the skull.
9.9. As Marcus lies down to rest for the night, Blaire comes up and starts rubbing herself all over him. Again concerned why this woman he jus met is making out with him, he asks. She responds, "I'm using my body heat to warm you". Marcus is obviusly comfused, because, oh yea, he's wearing a coat and he's a freaking robot.
10. Resistance central is surrounded by magnetic mines.
A. Wouldn't they set themselves off?
B. Wouldn't a terminator made out of magnetic metals mess up its circutry and be unable to move?
C. Why would a mine right under Marcus shiver, and then a mine a good 5 feet away fly through the air and stick to his leg?
D. Why did it take so long to go off?
E. So, a mine just exploded on your leg, leaving a giant crater in the ground and trowing you 20 feet through the air. So, why is his leg untouched, but all his human skin over his abs ripped off?
11. Why is the secret resistance base a giant lit up airstrip? Isn't that a little obvius?
12. John Connor yells at Marcus. He says he knows that all marcus wants to do is kill everyone. He shoots him several times, non fataly, just to piss him off (Which wouldn't work on a robot). Then, having established that he thinks Marcus is a threat, he just leaves him hanging over a giant escape pit.
12.5. Then, John Connor walks to his office and tells his wife that he knows Marcus believes he is human. Then why did you shoot him?
13. So, on the way in, a mine stuck to Marcus and that was game over. But now, he runs for like 2 miles and doesn't set off a single one.
14. Marcus gets to Skynet. A terminator sees him, but deems him not an enemy. Then why did the one in LA attack him? They already said that all the robots were controlled by Skynet.
15. So, all the terminators run off nuclear fuel. Then why does Skynet look the the robotic Isengard, with lots of fire and coaltowers?
16. After learing his purpose, Marcus just rips out the chip controlling him. Why didn't Connor just do that back at base?
17. How does the jet fly from S.F. to the sub in 5 seconds?
18. So, Connor is south of L.A. going to San Fransisco. Then how did he somehow get into Marin to head across the golden gate bridge?
18.5. Also, why would a nuklear war lower the ocean level several hundred feet? Why can we see the bottom of the bay?
19. The terminator punches Marcus in the heart, killing him. Several minutes go by. After Connor is done with Arnold, he comes back and begins his regiment of robot CPR, which consists of:
A. Banging on Marcus with a hammer and yelling at him.
B. Shoving 2 really electric (lightining arcing for 2-3 feet between them) wires in to Marcus's heart. This wouldn't work because:
a. The heart would explode, or catch on fire.
b. The wires would punch his heart to ribbons.
c. Electricity stops the heart, it doesn't start it. Defribulators just reset the heart when it's off track, like during a heart attack.
d. Marcus's heart got blown all the hell up when it got punched, so CPR wouldn't solve that.
20. When, you get a peice of metal shoved through the heart, you don't stay concious for 8 hours. You die. In like, 5 minutes.
21. So, you've destroyed Skynet! But now, it won't develop time travel. Thus, you don't exsist. Yay!

So, That's all I have to say about Salvation. Let's all just forget it ever exsisted, remember the first two movies (which rocked), and go see Star Trek instead. Although, the trailer for Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downy Jr. is almost worth it.

Evolution: The Only Logical Outcome

2009-05-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

A lot of people argue over evolution these days. They say it is wrong, it doesn't explain anything, that it is flawed, that it is imposable. I beg to differ.
When you look at it, evolution is the only logical out come of two very provable, very observable things: Mutation, where genes sometimes change when they are being copied, and Heredity, where genes are passed down from one generation to the next. This my proof, although it is multi-parted and most likely incorrectly laid out:

1. Sometimes, the DNA of an organism is changed during replication.
2. When this happens, physical traits of a creature often change as well.
3. Certain parts of DNA change in specific relation to changes in certain physical traits of an organism.
4. Therefor, DNA plays an important role in physical traits.
5. Therefor, changes in DNA through mutation can change the physical traits of an organism.

6. Children often look like both there parents.
7. DNA is the only thing transferred between a mother and father during sex.
8. DNA plays an important role in physical traits.
9. Therefor, DNA is passed on from one generation to the next.

Using these 2 proofs, we can now reach the final conclusion:

10. Any mutation in DNA that impeded the passing on of genetics through sex (and therefor children) by changing physical traits would be less successful and get passed on by fewer children than a mutation that increased the rate of getting passed on through sex (and therefor children)
11. Therefor, traits that increase the chance of DNA getting passed on will become more common then those that impede it. Imagine a perpetually cold tundra. An organism that had a mutation giving it more insulating fur would live longer and more fully, and be able to have more sex (and therefor more offspring) then those with normal insulation. Therefor, it would have more children, who would carry the mutation. These more insulated children would, in turn, have more offspring, and as the cycle continued, the more insulated organisms would eventually almost completely replace the once normal organisms.
12. Thus, evolution is the only logical outcome if mutations and heredity exist.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Twitter

2009-05-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

I just started twittering. In case you care. Which you most likely don't. Because no one reads this blog.

[wimpers]

STAR TREK

2009-05-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

I don't normally write reviews, because I rarely write anything. But here goes.

SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT
-----------------full stop----------------------

Sorry. This movie represents all that is good about the future. It is believable, something we all can hope will happen. It can change us for the better. The geekiest techno-wizardarding-treky will leave ready to sign up for fighting lessons. The dudiest muscleman will walk out and start watching the science channel. I, being a mixture of both, have decided to build a spaceship.

The theater was near empty, its patrons composed of 6 teenagers and rambling mob of elderly couples. We talked and laughed through the trailers, which were remarkably dull. Then, BAM. Lasers, Phasers, Screaming, Lasers, Black Holes, Explosions, Torpedoes, and the vast expanse of silent space burst through our retinas. I felt the cold chill of a man who's brain has excepted a god, an fantasy, a faith. Yet it was not belief in god that drove me there, but a relinquishing of the real world and a complete acceptance of the future. I was ready for it. I was there.

The logo burned across the screen. I felt a tear leave my cheek and land on my red vines. I watched with the eyes of young child learning history, excepting what was given and asking for more. My friends and I sat enraptured for 2 hours. The elderly people stared with us. I can only assume they were relieving themselves of a heavy burden, the anger at their parents for telling them stories of cool space stations that never came true. But for those in the theater, it had.

The experience of sharing a religious moment with a dozen people you have never met could not have gone more smoothly. As the reassuring voice of Leonard Nimoy tied the plot shut and set the credits rolling, no one left. Only after a minute or so did I begin to feel the tapping of my friend, reminding us we had to leave so his dad could pick us up. I longed for more.

And, in some not so distant future, I am sure we will get it.

Wait ... What?

2009-04-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

I was just looking over the breakdown of views for this website, and noticed that people are actually looking at this blog. I am surprised. More surprising, it's not people from California. All the traffic appears to be coming from other sites, although I have no idea which one. Anyways, this is surprising, so I guess I need to post more often.

Amazon - wtf?

2009-04-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

News, Not Breaking Anymore:
Amazon, the online book store thing, just decided all books about homosexuality were too "adult", and thus, removed them of their rankings and made them unsearchable. Good job, Amazon.

The Discovery Institute

2009-03-29T18:37:00.001-07:00

Not paying attention to reality since 1990.

Gay Marriage

2008-11-19T17:42:00.001-08:00

Thank you, Graphjam.

BREAKING NEWS: SCIENTIST COULD CLONE MAMMOTH FOR $10 MILLION

2008-11-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Using elephent embryos, Scientists now say they could create Mammoths and release them into Siberia. Here's the link:
New York Times Article
I want one for Christmas.

Enron - With a Twist!

2008-11-11T08:00:00.001-08:00

It came to me in a dream.

Simons Cat

2008-11-08T22:05:00.000-08:00

No words. Just link.

Homepage on Youtube

Meow.

Fail!

2008-09-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

All across the fail bridge!

The Final Frontier

2008-07-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 39th anniversary of men walking on the moon. since then we have developed spaceflight in to a incredibly complicated system so expensive that not even the U.S. wants to fund it anymore. Yea!

Time Horizon?

2008-07-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

President Bush has announced that he will accept a "time horizon" for withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq.
A time horizon?
Is Star Trek coming to save us? What's a Time Horizon?

The 4th of July

2008-07-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

If fireworks and illegal explosives are all it takes to make a democracy, Iraq is one hell of a democracy.

The Weight, Volume and Area of War

2008-06-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Instead of just looking at the number of dollars we've spent on the war in Iraq (531,893,000,000, at last count), let's look at what that amount of money is. Using 1 dollar bills (which are about 6" by 2.5" by 0.004" and weigh 1 gram), the money we've spent on Iraq is:

-18,468,506 cubic feet
-55,405,520,833 square feet
-1,172,623,340 pounds

Using the standard American Football field analogy, this means:
-it would cover 1,161,541 football fields
-it would cover 1 field to a depth of 387 feet.

That's right: we could have built 40+ story office building out of money. What a loss.

Insults!

2008-06-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but these comments are damn amusing." #66 stands out.

OBAMA (again)

2008-06-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

Just to make it clear, I don't think OBAMA is the messiah. I KNOW it.

Good News!

2008-06-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Gay marriage is legal in California. Only "Liberals" could think that equal rights for all humans were good things.

PS: That was sarcasm. I'm actually all for human rights.

Other topics: If you were watching the news around S.F. about Gay Marriage, you may have noticed the giant Jesus Hates You bus. It was driving around city hall. Also, you may have noticed the lone Jewish man holding a big cardboard Jewish star with the words "Our god doesn't care!" standing outside city hall.

Logic problem: Are gay rights Disactavists (yes, it's now a word) afraid of abstinent gay couples? On that note, most people who don't like gays don't like big government either. Why do they care about marriage licenses? On top of that, knowing what marriage is like, wouldn't they want to allow gays to experiance that living hell? What's it gonna be?

OBAMA!

2008-06-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

OBAMA!
OBAMA!
OBAMA!
(Did we mention OBAMA! won the primary? Because OBAMA! won. Now you know)
PS: OBAMA!

No Intelligence Allowed

2008-04-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

A very fitting title. I can not do this film justice. But these people can.

I may be a liberal, but at least I'm not her

2008-04-18T18:46:00.001-07:00

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen."
-Ann Coulter

True quote.

But I have a better idea. Instead of baring all women from voting, why not bar all people who can not pass an IQ test with a positive score and people who don't understand the 1st and 19th amendment from voting? then we would have a president elected by . . . smart people who understand politics!

-CORRECTION-Part Deux

2008-04-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in the below blog, I am encouraging everyone to buy a copy of Airplane!. I would like to add that i strongly encourage everyone to also go out and buy a copy of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Note: If, when reading the words "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band", you actually sang it subconsciously, (Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, It goes flat-flat-high-middle-low), you already have it stuck in your head and probably don't need to buy it.

Second Note: If you have the songs from this CD stuck in your head and think it's really annoying, I have one word for you: Bananaphone.

-CORRECTION-

2008-04-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I listed the book "Famous Jewish Sports Legends" in an earlier blog without noting that i did not make it up. The joke was mentioned in the movie "Airplane!" many years ago.
To avoid a lawsuit, I am asking everyone to feel sorry for my accidental copyright infringment and go buy several copies of the film.

Way to go, guys...

2008-04-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

Amid all this frenzy about the Olympic torch relay, many people have said the protesters are "dishonoring" the event. I did a little research, and it turns out that the Olympic torch relay was thought up by

Quick Quiz!
Was the Olympic Torch Relay thought up by:
A. Joseph Goebbels
B. The International Olympic Committee
C. Leonidas

Well, although it might be hard to believe, the torch relay was thought up by Joseph Goebbels. Thats right, the international event of peace was thought up the same man who masterminded the holocaust.
This is what us in the writing business like to refer to as "Irony".

Awsome! When can I go?

2008-04-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

Google and Virgin announce Mars expedition and colony

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. and LONDON, England (April 1st, 2008) – Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) and Virgin Group today announced the launch of Virgle Inc., a jointly owned and operated venture dedicated to the establishment of a human settlement on Mars.

"Some people are calling Virgle an 'interplanetary Noah's Ark,'" said Virgin Group President and Founder Sir Richard Branson, who conceived the new venture. "I'm one of them. It's a potentially remarkable business, but more than that, it's a glorious adventure. For me, Virgle evokes the spirit of explorers such as Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo, who set sail looking for the New World. I do hope we'll be a bit more efficient about actually finding it, though."

The Virgle 100 Year Plan's milestones will include Virgle Pioneer selection (2008-2010), the first manned journey to Mars (2016), a Virgle Inc. initial public offering to capitalize on the first manned journey to Mars (2016), the founding of the first permanent Martian municipality, Virgle City (2050), and the achievement of a truly self-sustaining Martian civilization with a population exceeding 100,000 (2108).

“Virgle is the ultimate application of a principle we’ve always believed at Google: that you can do well by doing good,” said Google co-founder Larry Page, who plans to share leadership of the new Martian civilization with Branson and Google co-founder Sergey Brin.

"We feel that ensuring the survival of the human race by helping it colonize a new planet is both a moral good in and of itself and also the most likely method of ensuring the survival of our best – okay, fine, only -- base of web search volume and advertising inventory,” Page added. “So, you know, it's, like, win-win."

The original contingent of Virgle Pioneers will be selected by numerous criteria, including an online questionnaire, video submission, personal accomplishments, expertise in scientific, artistic, sociological and/or political fields of endeavor, and inadequate Google and Virgin personal performance reviews.

Note: I did not write this. This is real. Well, not real, but... you get my drift.

A Strange Note

2008-02-13T10:14:00.000-08:00

During the recent super bowl, I noticed that the betting odds on the bears had not changed since the end of the season. I inquired, and found that the world has realized an important fact: It doesn't matter whether or not the Bears are actually in the super bowl, they still have the same chances of winning.

When Worlds Collide: Hello Kitty and The Military

2008-02-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: THERE IS A HELLO KITTY ASSAULT RIFLE.

I swear, this is real. Here is the proof.

Let us hope that fanatical hordes of children do not take over the world.

Another Tad Less Then Annual Poetry Post

2008-02-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hiakos are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator.
-Random Acquaintance

Our just a tad more then annual Poetry Post

2008-02-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

Poetry is hard
Hiakos are hard to write too

I don't like poetry.
-The Durka

Our Non-Award Winning Book Series

2008-02-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

Thin Books for Beginers

Famous Jewish Sports Legends
How to Lose Weight Through Starvation
Self Defense Through Premature Death
Rock Imitation
Fill in the Blank Book:________
The Life and Times of an Aborted Fetus
Pointing for Dummies
Car Repair Through Land Mines
Great Humanitarian Acts of the Nazis
Interpreting the world like Helen Keller
Locks and Light Switches for Dummies
Being a Dummy for Dummies
Great Scientific Discoveries of the South
What Freedom and Slavery Have in Common
Why Birds Should Fly
After the End of The Universe: A Scientific Essay
Shaving with Samurais
The Sound of Silence
The Cat and The Bug- A Love Story
Carpet Cleaning with Bleach
How to Lose A One-Sided Fist Fight
The Moon Verses The Ant

Food Skills of the Anorexic
Lose Weight the Harry Potter Way
Stable governments of Italy

and our award winning How To series:

How to Calculate Sales Tax in Oregon
How to Draw a Crooked Line
How to Dodge Traffic
How to Draw A Blizzard in Antarctica
How to Lose a Nose Like Tycho Brachi
How to Interpret Smells Like Tycho Brachi
How to Not Do Your Homework
How to Talk Like Mute Person
How to Hear Like a Deaf Person
How to See Like a Blind Person
How to Really Hate Your Relatives
How to Interpret corporate Jargon
How to Pronounce the French "R"
How to Die Quick Yet Painfully
How to Blame it on a Younger Sibling
How to Deny the Existence of God
How to Start a Crusade
How to Start a Backwards Democracy
How to Be Like Our Administration Series

How to Act Clueless (With a special foreword by George W. Bush!)
How to Forget Key Events (with a special foreword by Alberto Gonzalez!)
How to Plan a War That Can't Be Won (with a special foreword by Karl Rove!)
How to Turn 2007 into 1984 (with a special foreword by Donald Rumsfeld!)
How to Spel and Speek (with a special foreword by George W. Bush!)
How to Talk Liake Alnald Swartanagaur

How to Rhyme Words Like a Kennedy
How to Find Out 10 Things Your Opponent Wants Hidden

The Amazing High School Docu-Drama

2008-02-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

2/5/08---Room 319, Some High school, California, United States of America, North America, Earth
8:00:00 AM
Bell rings. I walk inside the classroom.

8:02 AM
Mr. Garrison starts talking. It goes downhill from there.

8:12 AM
We begin watching a depressing movie about the earth. Baige starts talking. I begin to feel bad.

8:17 AM
Baige begins using swear words. Movie is still boring. I begin to feel queasy.

8:23 AM
I almost throw up. Movie has horrible special effects. Baige still won't shut up.

8:25 AM
Tianca starts talking at Baige. The movie is unbearable. I stab myself in my hand with my pen.

8:32 AM
Movie is terrorist weapon. Baige and Tianca won't shut up. Leahna joins in. I contemplate suicide.

8:37 AM
Movie ends. Baige begins screaming at Tianca. Mr. Garrison starts talking again. I attempt to build a guillotine out of stuff in my backpack.

8:38 AM
Guillotine doesn't work.

8:42 AM
We begin assignment. It is boring. I curse myself for forgetting how to tie a noose.

8:45 AM
Computer stops working. I loose several minutes of frantic typing. Baige is still talking.

8:49 AM
I turn on other computer. Tianca pledges to work with me. Baige may have had seizure, but we are all to afraid to check.

8:50 AM
Tianca breaks her pledge. Baige appears to have passed out from over exertion.

8:53 AM
Nothing interesting happened during this minute.

8:57 AM
I print two pages of meaningless gibberish for amusement.

9:00 AM
I finish assignment. Tianca begins to do something useful, although sadly there are no cameras present to record this important event.

9:12 AM
Successfully crash computer.

9:18 AM
Have meaningfully 2 second conversation with someone. Baige begins to swear again.

9:20 AM
Bell fails to ring on time. Sudan remains an unpopular vacation spot.

9:23 AM
Bell rings. Mr. Garrison keeps us in during break for unknown reasons.

9:27 AM
We are all killed in massive chemical explosion, which is repeated several times on screen at different speeds. Loud action music knocks me out of the way just in time.

9:30 AM
Break ends. I collect all my missing limbs and hobble to 4th period.

--NOTE--
They events told here are (not) real, but the names of those involved have been changed to protect their identity. So much for acountability.